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The Great CD Cover Mystery"
Storyline: A detective is hired to crack the great mystery on
why a band's CD is not selling.
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Characters: Detective John Clark, Lead Singer Deb Turbulent,
Bassist Chris Jones, Guitarist Jeff Zane, Keyboardist Jay Davis,
Drummer Bill Webb
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It was a sunny but cool Monday morning, about 10:30 a.m. I
had made it in late because, well, that isn't your business.
Anyway, I listened to Sherry, my receptionist, rag me about
being late after telling me that I had a couple of calls from a
dame that seemed quite upset that I was not here yet. After
this weekend, a dame was the last thing I needed to hear
from. But again, that isn't your affair either, is it?
Anyway, I had my feet propped up on the corner of my desk,
catching the sport scores from The Daily Grind in one hand
while alternating my other hand between a cigarette and a
nice cup of java that Sherry had poured me.
A couple of minutes later, I suddenly realized that this Monday
was not going to be like any other, because she walked in.
But, then again, so did they ... immediately behind her.
She was one h*ll of a knockout ... about five feet, eight inches
tall, with a page-boy haircut, a perfect height-to-weight
proportion, and a beautiful complexion that made me want to
bask in island sun while sipping on coconut juice.
Deb Turbulent: Detective Clark, if you get in this late every
day, your weekly paycheck can't be all that great.
Detective Clark: And, who says I get a weekly paycheck, Ms...
Deb: I'm Deb Turbulent, but don't let the last name fool ya ... you'll find I'm really a kitten at heart.
Clark: Yeah, I'll bet. And, who are these fine looking upstanding gentlemen with you?
Deb: These fellas are the members of my band. Say Hi, boys ...
Half of them nodded while the other half grunted, although I
couldn't tell which half did which. I took this moment of brevity
to remove my feet from my desk and sit up straight so that I
could look like a Donald Trump employee as best I could. I also
had the distinct desire to check my Beretta .380 to make sure
it was loaded with silver bullets, as these guys looked like all
they needed was a full moon to start a deadly party.
Clark: So, Ms. Turbulent ... fellas, feel free to have a seat ... just don't take it with you when you leave, please.
Chris Jones: Why, you think we thieves?
Jeff Zane: Yeah, you think we'd be in this dump if we thieves?
Clark: Fellas, I didn't mean to imply that ...
Bill Webb: Yeah, yeah, yeah .. .let's get outa here, Deb.
Clark: Hey, hang on ... let's start over, will ya?
I hadn't paid the car payment yet, and the electric bill was
also closing in fast. I couldn't really afford to lose these guys
if they turned out to be viable paying clients. They calmed
down a bit.
Clark: Okay, now what can I help you with?
Deb: Well, we're like, one of the hottest bands in town, but we can't seem to sell many CDs anywhere.
Clark: Where have you been trying to sell them?
Jay Davis: Only about a million places.
Clark: Well, for now, just give me a few on your massive list.
Deb: On our website and at gigs, mainly. Oh, and we also have a few copies in a couple of stores around town, but that means
nothing either.
Hmm ... I pondered the situation for a moment ... hot girl, and from
the attitudes, probably a kick-ass band too. Hmm ... why wasn't
the music selling?
Clark: Got a copy of your CD with you?
Jay: Sure ... we never leave home without it.
Clark: I believe that saying is trademarked already by
American Express?
Chris: So? We'll take it anyway!
I let that slide with no response as he did seem to be a 'take
all' kind of guy, if you know what I mean. Jay got up and walked
over to my desk while reaching in his pocket to withdraw a copy of
their CD. Well, I was seriously hoping that it was a CD.
And then, there it was ...
I couldn't be for absolutely sure, because I hadn't yet heard
the music, but if the music was anything remotely like the CD
cover, these guys were in a lot of trouble. There they were ...
with a hot CD titled Shock Syndrome, but they were just
sitting on a couch altogether, looking like they were watching
a repeat of Ted Koppel on Nightline. No emotion ... not even an
attempt to play on what was, obviously, a great CD title just
begging to be acted out visually. Obvious to everyone ... except
them.
Clark: Well now, ahem, tell you what-
Jay: Hey! Can you help us, man, or not?
Clark: I'll certainly give it my best shot.
Chris: Ah, this is a load of crap ... he don't know nothin' 'bout nothin'! Why we wastin' our time here?
He stood up and headed toward the door.
Deb: Obviously, you don't know Detective Clark's reputation, Chris.
She got up, moved toward my desk, perched half a gluteus
maximums on its corner, then gave me a 45-degree stare that
would have Dracula checking his pulse.
Deb: Detective Clark is known for his great ... results ... aren't you, Detective Clark?
The words oozed from her pouty red lips with such sultriness, I
almost didn't hear the gulp in my throat. But they did and
laughed. Deb pulled $500 from her side pocket so quickly, it
would have made Batman jealous.
Here ya go, Detective ... that ought to hold you for a
couple of days, won't it?
Clark: Sure, but how do I get in touch with you?
She was already heading toward the door, but paused to give
me a wry smile.
Deb: Don't worry ... we'll be in touch with you. Let's go, boys.
Although I already felt I knew the reason for the CD's failure, to
earn the gracious bucks she has so easily bestowed upon me,
over the next couple of days I contacted several music locals
to get their professional opinions.
I started with Bernie, owner of The Golden Eagle, which was
the current hottest live music spot in town. Next, I tarried on
down the way to Music Keys, the largest music retailer in our
area. And, just for good measure, I threw in a visit to KTUF,
the hottest area radio station and the leading music and arts
paper, The Entertainment Times.
Bernie said that although Deb was the hottest thing since
Watermelon Kool-Aid, the rest of the guys didn't quite fare so
well in the looks department, particularly sitting on that dull
gray couch on the CD cover.
Ted, owner of Music Keys, said pretty much the same, adding
that some customers couldn't tell if they were trying to appear
Gothic or just plain trying to appear.
Cindy, Music Director for KTUF, and who I thought might be a
tad bit jealous of Deb, said that although her listeners couldn't
see the CD and the single was doing fairly well on her station,
she thought that Deb might be throwing off the visual vibe. I
never did get that one.
Finally, April, Music Editor with Entertainment Times, said pretty
much what I had felt at the beginning ... that the sales were
probably due to a conflicting title and image. She added that,
with a title such as Shock Syndrome, there should have been
an obvious display of lightening or electricity all around the
group, or lightening or electricity appearing to strike the band
members as they stood in an open field on a dark night. I told
April that I thought that an appearance whereby
their hair stood on ends was a good idea, but April waved that
off as old-time. Oh, well ... you can't win 'em all.
So, here I sit, a couple of days later, after just having spoken
with Deb, who is on her way in to get the verdict on the CD
cover. Hopefully, she won't take the news as grim, because
the cover is fixable (I think). Oh, I also graciously asked her
to leave the boys at home in the interest of our creating a
serious plan of execution. :-)
Detective John Clark, At Your Service, Anytime ...
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