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Attack of the Killer Musicians!
By Kenny Love
(more articles from this author)
2001-10-16
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Whenever I begin the first lines of what I feel is, inevitably, a controversial subject matter, I get a 6th sense sensation much like the people get in that York peppermint patty television commercial... only the cool-down effect isn't quite so long-lasting.

It's also probably best described as the same feeling "Kitty-Boy" (my Tabby) gets when he stares down an unfamiliar passerby through the screen door while, simultaneously, readying his claws on his claw post.

Anyway, in response to a recent article regarding musicians unauthorized subscribing of email addresses to their mailing lists, out on the town one night, not surprisingly and as usual, in response to the article from several "indie" musicians (and, obviously, guilty ones at that), I was figuratively lambasted, harpooned, shoved down a couple of flights of stairs.

And then, for maximum effect, I was effectively stamped in the groin with the heel of a #11EEE wingtip commander, er, I mean loafer, by the leader of the gang. Actually, any stamp to the male groin area is effective, so that is a moot point.

Oh yeah, the leader came complete with a 300-pound body attached to the end of that #11EEE loafer and, attached very securely indeed, I might add.

So, as I lie here in full body cast in Houston County General Hospital, with a police guard outside my door, I am reviewing several responses that I will attempt to answer although, in advance, I must apologize for certain vowel sounds that may prove to be inaudible at this point, primarily, due to suffering repercussions from concussions:

[EXCERPTED LETTER 1]

"Do you realize what would happen if every single artist and label called every single media person to get "permission" to add their name to an e-list -- you would be so busy taking calls, there would be no time to write the articles and reviews about these very artists."

KL: "While I sincerely appreciate your obvious concern for my, possibly, being overwhelmed with phone calls and my valuable time allotted for articles and artist reviews, it really isn't necessary. Yes, I do realize what would happen if artists and labels decided to contact media personnel *prior* to adding their names to multiple mailing lists. Pure, unadulterated respect for their fellow man (or, fellow woman) such as the world has never known."

[EXCERPTED LETTER 2]

"Haven't you ever used the DELETE function of your email? Lighten up, Kenny!!"

KL: "Er, what's a 'delete' key?"

[EXCERPTED LETTER 3] "A simple informative statement would much better execute the job than your description of how exactly pissed off you might find yourself towards the subject."

KL: "Okay, I agree with you. And as such, and after having now taken a 5-hour sensitivity class on my previous statement above (forcibly, by my superior), let me take this opportunity to make amends by rephrasing the statement by saying that, in response to, and as a result of having been added to a number of musicians' mailing lists and, again, *without* my permission, I feel urinologically challenged."

[EXCERPTED LETTER 4]

"If you have ever heard the statement 'you pass the same people on the way down as you did on the way up' then you should reposition your rhetoric assuming you are in fact speaking to the next 'big thing' instead of the 'local jug band' even if it is as such."

KL: "Wait a minute...do you mean this figuratively, or literally? Because if you mean it literally, I must now admit to harboring a lifelong fear of heights."

[EXCERPTED LETTER 5]

"Firstly, I do agree with your stance on 'joining people to your mailing list without permission, however, I must take advantage of this situation and respond by saying that I am so sick and tired of writers, publicists, A&R, and industry alike who constantly belittle the efforts of the independent musician especially online."

KL: "Um, so what's your point? Actually, I thought you were going to say you were sick and tired of being sick and tired."

[EXCERPTED LETTER 6]

"This article is GREAT! I am a musician who has a mailing list...(and who is on MANY others - most of which I did not sign myself onto) and I completely appreciate your article! Thanks - I'll forward this to some of the people who put me on their lists!!!!!"

KL: "Finally! A ray of light emits from 'Le Tunnel de Dark'!"

P. S. Oh, about the beatdown? I was just kidding...the committed groin-stamping leader only weighed 275 pounds.

- Kenny Love/Patient 23C7857L


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