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Attack of the Killer Musicians!
Whenever I begin the first lines of what I feel is,
inevitably, a controversial subject matter, I get a
6th sense sensation much like the people get in
that York peppermint patty television commercial...
only the cool-down effect isn't quite so long-lasting.
It's also probably best described as the same
feeling "Kitty-Boy" (my Tabby) gets when he stares
down an unfamiliar passerby through the screen
door while, simultaneously, readying his claws on
his claw post.
Anyway, in response to a recent article regarding
musicians unauthorized subscribing of email
addresses to their mailing lists, out on the town one
night, not surprisingly and as usual, in response to
the article from several "indie" musicians (and,
obviously, guilty ones at that), I was figuratively
lambasted, harpooned, shoved down a couple of
flights of stairs.
And then, for maximum effect, I was effectively
stamped in the groin with the heel of a #11EEE
wingtip commander, er, I mean loafer, by the leader
of the gang. Actually, any stamp to the male groin
area is effective, so that is a moot point.
Oh yeah, the leader came complete with a
300-pound body attached to the end of that #11EEE
loafer and, attached very securely indeed, I might add.
So, as I lie here in full body cast in Houston County
General Hospital, with a police guard outside my
door, I am reviewing several responses that I will
attempt to answer although, in advance, I must
apologize for certain vowel sounds that may prove
to be inaudible at this point, primarily, due to
suffering repercussions from concussions:
[EXCERPTED LETTER 1]
"Do you realize what would happen if every single artist
and label called every single media person to get
"permission" to add their name to an e-list -- you would
be so busy taking calls, there would be no time to write
the articles and reviews about these very artists."
KL: "While I sincerely appreciate your obvious concern
for my, possibly, being overwhelmed with phone calls
and my valuable time allotted for articles and artist
reviews, it really isn't necessary. Yes, I do realize what
would happen if artists and labels decided to contact
media personnel *prior* to adding their names to
multiple mailing lists. Pure, unadulterated respect for
their fellow man (or, fellow woman) such as the world
has never known."
[EXCERPTED LETTER 2]
"Haven't you ever used the DELETE function of your
email? Lighten up, Kenny!!"
KL: "Er, what's a 'delete' key?"
[EXCERPTED LETTER 3]
"A simple informative statement would much better
execute the job than your description of how exactly
pissed off you might find yourself towards the subject."
KL: "Okay, I agree with you. And as such, and after
having now taken a 5-hour sensitivity class on my
previous statement above (forcibly, by my superior),
let me take this opportunity to make amends by
rephrasing the statement by saying that, in response
to, and as a result of having been added to a number
of musicians' mailing lists and, again, *without* my
permission, I feel urinologically challenged."
[EXCERPTED LETTER 4]
"If you have ever heard the statement 'you pass the
same people on the way down as you did on the way
up' then you should reposition your rhetoric assuming
you are in fact speaking to the next 'big thing' instead
of the 'local jug band' even if it is as such."
KL: "Wait a minute...do you mean this figuratively, or
literally? Because if you mean it literally, I must now
admit to harboring a lifelong fear of heights."
[EXCERPTED LETTER 5]
"Firstly, I do agree with your stance on 'joining people
to your mailing list without permission, however, I must
take advantage of this situation and respond by saying
that I am so sick and tired of writers, publicists, A&R,
and industry alike who constantly belittle the efforts of
the independent musician especially online."
KL: "Um, so what's your point? Actually, I thought you
were going to say you were sick and tired of being
sick and tired."
[EXCERPTED LETTER 6]
"This article is GREAT! I am a musician who has a
mailing list...(and who is on MANY others - most of which
I did not sign myself onto) and I completely appreciate
your article! Thanks - I'll forward this to some of the
people who put me on their lists!!!!!"
KL: "Finally! A ray of light emits from 'Le Tunnel de Dark'!"
P. S. Oh, about the beatdown? I was just kidding...the
committed groin-stamping leader only weighed
275 pounds.
- Kenny Love/Patient 23C7857L
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