United States Navy Raided by the RIAA?
R. I. Ignatius Ardvaark, a record retailer in Yoohoo, Alabama, knows the
RIAA (Rewarding Industry
Association of America) and MPAA (MoJo Picture Association of America), are
Annointed and have decreed that anyone who DLs songs and/or movies from
sites other than those Blessed By Them is VILE and DEPRAVED!
Like the major US print and electronic media outlets, Ardvaark knows the
RIAA has a reputation for scrofulous fairness and honesty and, therefore,
anything it says is gospel. Thus, when the RIAA assures him file-sharing is
eroding his sales and that the new business he's doing in computers,
cd-burners, portable mp3 players, and so on, is a passing fad, he decides
it's time to ACT.
Thanks also to the RIAA, he also knows every school across America is a
hotbed of downloading and accordingly, raids the dorms of Yoohoo High and
makes off with every computer he finds.
Thoroughly pleased with himself, he goes home to bed and tucks himself in
with a well-earned Cross-Eyed Turkey on the rocks.
Then his door-bell rings.
Naturally, he answers it and to his Shock and Horror is immediately arrested
by four large members of the Yoohoo Police Department (in tasteful blue and
white Spandex uniforms with matching leather and chrome accessories) for -
you guessed it - stealing the computers.
Of course, this could never have happened.
In fact, it's almost as stupid as the vicious and completely unfounded story
the RIAA was able to talk the United States Navy Academy - whose mission is
to take young midship-people and train them to, "assume the highest
responsibilities of command, citizenship and government" - into confiscating
nearly 100 computers it [the RIAA] claimed were storing pirated mp3 files.
The US Navy has, after all, been cleansing the seas of pirates for decades,
and what's CyberSpace if not a kind of information sea, if you follow, where
cyberships of knowledge sail into the balmy reaches of ...
... but I digress.
And nor is there mention of the incident on the academy's 'current news'
Nonetheless, the Annapolis Capital saw fit to report that midship-people's
computers allegedly containing, "illegally downloaded music and movies" were
seized during a raid that occurred while the students were in class.
And if you don't believe us, go The Capital
The story also quoted Commander Bill Spann, academy spokesman, as confirming
that the academy was investigating what material was on the computers and
saying punishment for illegally possessing copyrighted material ranges from
a court-martial to loss of leave and other restrictions.
As if the RIAA, which is no more than a bought-and-paid-for commercial
organization, could wield such enormous power, even if it wanted to!
OK, so it has all kinds of senators, congress people and members of various
law enforcement agencies in its pocket. So? Doesn't every large US
And even if it could crack the whip and make the US Navy jump, it wouldn't.
Because as the mouthpiece for the Big Five record labels, it's below such
We say, 'Fie on you, Annapolis Capital, SHAME!'
But, on the other hand, Thomas Truxtun said in verse in 1797 (Instructions, Signals, and Explanations, Ordered for the
United States Fleet, p 38 p):
"America's prosperity first from Commerce arose.
To Commerce still her wealth she owes.
Protect then Injured Commerce ..."
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» They're Sailors, Not Pirates